EXXON -- the sign of the double-cross

Health authorities in NYC are getting concerned about a way that
students in ceramics classes have found to get high:  They stick their
heads in kilns to fry their brains.  Art teachers are being asked to
be on the lookout for students doing this.

The primary symptom is glazed eyes.

What's the difference between a hamster and gerbil?

A hamster has more dark meat.

I have heard this told as a joke many times after it happened but I was on
watch on the ship when it happened.  Eric (chief engineer) was the Officer
of the Deck and I was his assistant.  We were steaming in a very large
formation, roughly 30 ships, complete darken ship, and no radio or radar
permitted other than the short range UHF tactical radio.  Everyone was on
edge because we couldn't see and we couldn't use radar to avoid colliding
with another ship.  About 0230 the formation commander sent a very complex
formation change as "immediate execute" which means "do it as soon as I
finish" rather than "I'll give you some time to figure it out, then do it".

The orders were encrypted and encoded which meant I had to decrypt and then
decode before I could figure out what we were supposed to do.  When the
"Execute!" order was given Eric asked me if I had the solution and I told
him I was still decrytping.

The Captain slept with a sound powered phone in his bunk so Eric reached down,
pressed the Captain's buzzer and said
"Captain, get up here quick!  I'm f**ked up!"

When he released the button on the handset the radio speaker came back on,
Eric had grabbed the wrong handset.

Almost immediately the formation commander came on the radio with
"This is abate hotel...  Station making last transmission identify!"

Without a hesitation Eric reached down and took the radio handset and replied
"I'm not THAT f**ked up..."

That was the relief we needed, everybody turned on their lights and radars
and we spent the next hour or so getting back into formation.

This fella catches a leprechaun.

	(I'm sure you all know the standard beginning of leprechaun stories.
We'll skip this part...)

	...so finally the leprechaun says, "Aye, ye shall have yar wish."
	"When?"
	"Tonight, whilst ye are asleep, it shall come ta ye."

	That night, he wakes up to a knock on the door.  He opens it to
see a burning cross on his front lawn, and 6 white-robed, hooded figures
on his front porch.
	The leader, rope in hand, walks up to him and says, "Are yew the
one that wanted tuh be hung lahk a nigger?"

A drunk leaves a bar and decides to take a shortcut through a
graveyard.  It is raining heavily and very dark.  The drunk
fails to see an open grave and falls into it.  He tries to
climb out of it, but it is too deep and the rain has turned
the dirt to mud and has made it too slippery to climb.  He
gives up after a while and decides to spend the night there.

A while later, another drunk leaves the same bar and decides
to take the same shortcut through the graveyard.  He, too,
falls into that open grave and tries to climb out but the
mud is too slippery.  The first drunk is still sitting there
and watches as the other drunk tries but fails to get out.

The first drunk stands up, taps the second drunk on the shoulder
and tells him, "You'll never get out!".

He did.

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a throw on those little
bottles of Evian water?  Try spelling Evian backwards.

With all the recent flamage in rec.humor.d, I've been half
expecting the originator to post something like the following:

] In a recent article in rec.humor, I wrote
] > Q. How do you stop a nigger from drowning?
] > A. Take your foot off his head.
]
] Some people wrote to tell me they found this offensive.  I reread
] it and I agree.  Here is the updated version of the joke.
]
] Q. How do you stop a nigger from drowning?
] A. Take your foot off his or her head.
]
] Again, I apologize to any feminists out there for my earlier
] draft.

"Alpha Baker, What's your position, over?"

 "Charlie Delta, Upside down, over."

 "Alpha Baker, report, over."

 "I just turned my tank, over."